Giving Employees Feedback-Be Kind

Giving others feedback feels like a conflict to most of us.  In conflict situations, human beings tend to either take flight or fight.

Hopefully, the last several articles have moved you past the flight instinct.  You understand the importance of meeting with the employee, you’re clear about what you want to discuss and you’re ready to be fully engaged in the conversation.

But you’re still anxious. You may be worried about upsetting the person.  Maybe you’re concerned that they’ll lash out at you, so you walk into the room ready for a fight.  Or you may take flight in the meeting by toning down the message.

Supervisors tend to have one of two message delivery styles.  The first is the “hit ‘em over the head with it” feedback style and the person leaves the meeting feeling like a failure with no hope of ever improving.

The second is the “pile on the sugar” feedback type and the employee leaves having no idea there’s even a problem.  We’re striving for the middle ground here.

Is you’re going in expecting the person to be argumentative and closed minded, that’s likely exactly what you’ll get. Let’s get you in a different frame of mind in order to set the meeting up for success!

Set Your Intention

Before starting the meeting, think about what you want to happen as a result of the meeting.  What do you want to be better after the meeting?  Obviously, you want the person’s performance to be improved, but that’s likely not all you want.  Here are some questions to get your ideas flowing:

• Do you want to have a better understanding of the reasons for the person’s lack of performance?
• Do you want the person to trust you to discuss performance challenges in the future?
• Would you like the other person to feel supported by you and confident they can improve?

Having these end results clear, will set you in a frame of mind to use words, phrases and non-verbal communications that support those goals.

Create the Physical Space

Before the meeting even begins, you can demonstrate your kindness and respect for the individual by discussing the issue with them in a private location.

Make sure there won’t be any disturbances.  Close the door, turn off both your landline and cell phones.  Anything outside a fire or natural disaster can wait until your conversation is over.

These conversations feel better if you don’t sit across a desk from the person.  The desk creates an actual and psychological barrier between the two of you.

Sit next to them at a conference table or pull together two chairs at an angle.

Choose Your Words Carefully

We’ve all been on the receiving ends of words that leave us feeling hurt or angry.  Although your intentions may be to help the person improve, if you say it in a way that causes the employee to become too emotional, they won’t be able to engage in a logical conversation about how to change their performance.

Here are some things to think about when choosing your words.

1) Remember to always remain professional and don’t get personal.

Avoid asking whether they are having problems at home that may be causing their difficulties at work.  These types of questions are invasive and cause most people to become defensive.

2) Don’t be harsh, but remember the first tip I shared in this blog series – be crystal clear.

The best way to ensure that you’ve hit the mark on clarity is to ask the employee to repeat back what you said. Something like, “Just to be sure we’re on the same page, can you tell me in your own words what we just discussed? “

Assure them of the parts they understood correctly.  Take responsibility for any misunderstandings and rephrase what was said.

Make your statements factual and without personal judgments or analysis of the situation. This will help you avoid coming across as harsh.

3) Watch the individual’s body language and other non-verbals such as tone of voice to evaluate if the person is relatively relaxed and comfortable or if they are extremely defensive, angry or upset.

If their arms are crossed and they’re silent or if their voice is shaking and they are tearing up, you can be confident your goals defined above won’t be met.

4) Comparing two employees is not productive and can be harmful.

Managers have told me, “I told her, if Samantha can do it, you should be able to do it too.”

We are all individuals and want to be treated as such.  People don’t come with the same skills, knowledge, abilities and personal characteristics and rarely perform exactly the same.  Therefore, they certainly don’t have identical performance issues.

Comparing the individual to another sets those two people up to compete against each other and will set you up to be accused of having “favorites”, or employees who you particularly like who are perceived to be getting special treatment.

5) Tell them what they‘re doing well!

Individual performance is typically a mix of things that are done well and things that need to improve.  If you focus on only what the person needs to do better, they may leave the meeting feeling like they are doing everything wrong or feeling angry that you don’t appreciate all the things they do.

Communication Is a Two-Way Street

Treat the meeting as a conversation.  Pause occasionally to let them ask you questions so they understand the issue.

Consider that you may not have all the information and listen to their perspective on what happened in the examples you gave them.

Without a two way exchange, you not only miss valuable information and insight, but the meeting will likely feel like a lecture to the other person.

When you enter feedback conversations with an attitude of support and kindness, your intention will shine through and the chances of it making an impact are significantly greater.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and personal experiences! Please post them below.

Check back over the next few weeks.  I will continue to describe other keys I’ve discovered to successfully giving employees feedback.